Every Time You Steal a Baby Jesus, God Kills a Kitten

By Chris Karr in News on Dec 19, 2006 7:30PM

A few brave soldiers in the "War Against Christmas"(tm) have been stealing Baby Jesuses (or is it "Jesi"?) around Chicago's Clearing Garfield Ridge neighborhood. Thirty-two replicas of the immaculately-conceived child (the Jewish carpenter kid, not the annoying Skywalker kid) were forcably kidnapped from owners' front lawns and were rudely deposited this morning at St. Symphorosa Church.

People were not amused:

"You put things out and it's to express your beliefs, to celebrate your faith with your community," said Carol Angiollo, whose baby Jesus was among those taken. "To have someone violate that is really disheartening."

People who called police to report a missing doll were directed to the church, said Chicago police spokesman Pat Camden.

"Baby Jesus belongs in a nativity, not in evidence and recovered poverty, which is where they'll wind up if they're not claimed," he said.

Indeed.

These local thefts appear to be part of a larger national campaign against nativity scenes all around the country. Baby Jesus is not safe in Illinois, nor is he safe in traditional red-state strongholds like Texas, North Carolina, or Indiana. In one stunning operation, Baby Jesus was replaced with a beer can. In another location, Baby Regular Jesus was replaced with a doppleganger Baby Devil Jesus.

We hope that Baby Nascar Jesus remains safe and sound, and we'll be reporting more news from the front as it becomes available.