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Celebrate Festivus!

By Rachelle Bowden in Miscellaneous on Dec 22, 2006 12:08PM


Some of you may be thinking we should just let Festivus go. Seinfeld hasn't been on for many years and afterall, it's just a television show. First of all, we're a little offended by the "just a show" sentiment. Seinfeld brought our friends and families together in comedy and both reflected on pop culture and produced many popular catchphrases.

But enough about Seinfeld. This is a time to celebrate Festivus and regardless of the popularity of Seinfeld, Festivus has taken on a life of its own and become a real holiday. Did you know that there is a company in Milwaukee that manufactures Festivus Poles? That Ben and Jerry's makes Festivus flavored ice cream? That there's both a wine and an award-winning beer named Festivus? Festivus has become a way to celebrate the holiday season in a nondenominational way. Harvard and Columbia University both have parades and celebrations. Soldiers in Iraq even celebrate Festivus and St. Louis claims to hold the biggest Festivus celebration in the world. Finally, how many other holidays can say that they've been a Jeopardy category?

So, we're not taking it. Festivus is a real holiday and while it's technically celebrated tomorrow, almost any day in December will do. So join us today: Whip out your Festivus pole, make a contribution to The Human Fund, and drink some booze. We challenge the crankiest of our readers in the Feats of Strength. Whose typing fingers are stronger? We'll thumb wrestle you! Finally, we Air Our Grievances after the jump:

  1. Friends of Blagojevich: How many negative ads did you have to run to win against a gravelly-voiced woman with ties to a guy who was going to prison? And the only thing you could come up with was "What is she thinking?" We will never get that phrase or that voice out of our heads. Thanks, dudes!
  2. Stroger and Anyone who voted for Stroger: What the hell?
  3. Joe Moore, Ed Burke, and Burt Natarus: Alderman Moore, for leading the ban of a delicacy he's never eaten and the majority of his ward had never heard of. Alderman Burke, for introducing an increasingly weakened series of trans fat bans that fail to educate poor people on the dangers of hydrogenated oil. And Alderman Natarus, just for being you.
  4. Tribune Co.: This year, we saw the Lemonheads for $20, Frisbie for $12 and paid $45 to see Franz Ferdinand and Death Cab. And (gasp!) we actually saw and heard something great! Something we'd see again! Prime game bleacher seats at Wrigley cost FORTY dollars. We're not sure what's worse: your audacity for charging those prices for a crap product, or people dumb enough to pay for it.
  5. Chicago White Sox: Way to follow up that magical 2005 World Series victory.
  6. Chicago Bears: If you blow it, your ass is ours!
  7. CTA: You're like someone on welfare who complains they have no money for food and then we see you with bling bling and drivin' a Benz. What the fuck are you doing? Cut the shit with the superstation and the express airport train and the circle line, and fix the tracks you have, train your employees to communicate and DO something in an emergency, and learn how to act like you might actually want to make this work.
  8. Frank Kruesi: We dare you to ONLY use the CTA as your mode of transportation for 90 days. Then talk to us.
  9. National Wine and Spirits and Chicago Beverage Systems: One of you couldn't get rid of Bell's beer fast enough, the other one didn't seem too interested in selling it. Now we have to travel over the border for our annual fix of Winter White.
  10. Vegetables: What are the agriculture farmers spraying the veggies with these days? Shit water? How many people are going to go down with E. coli?

Special thanks to all the Chicagoist writers who contributed grievances to this piece.