This Just Doesn't Taste Quite Right

By Laura Oppenheimer in Food on Dec 29, 2006 5:02PM

Everyone in Wheaton can rest easy now, Wheaton North High School Principal Jill Bullo told parents in a letter sent home last week. The spooge-spiked ranch dressing poses no health risk to students, so eat up kids!

"We are pleased to report that no follow-up medical attention is needed for any student who ingested Ranch salad dressing," Bullo wrote in the December 22 letter. The "incident" occurred on December 6 after Wheaton North High School Senior Marco Castro took the container to a nearby restroom, did his thing with it, and then returned it to the cafeteria where hungry students did their thing. Castro was charged with attempted aggravated battery and disorderly conduct, a class A misdemeanor. We're guessing this recent development won't help his chances to get into college.

In other "this doesn't taste quite right" news, salty water is all that comes out of the tap at five houses in McHenry County. For three years — three years! — resident Carey Mills has had to buy bottled water to drink with because the H20 coming out of the tap is too salty to drink. How salty is it? The EPA safe level for water is 200 milligrams per liter (or under), but the McHenry County water has 1900 milligrams of salt per liter — more than nine times the safe amount.

According to the Illinois Attorney General, the culprit is Greg Smith, a neighbor from up the street who owns a snow plowing business. The massive pile of salt on his property has polluted at least five of his neighbors' wells with sodium chloride. If Smith is found guilty, he will have to replace his neighbors' wells and pay for their drinking water and pay $150,000 in fines.