This Just in: Teens Like Alcoholic Syrup
By Alicia Dorr in News on Jan 26, 2007 7:19PM
Despite tasting like sugar headaches and costing too much for too little of the real thing, people keep drinking the so-called "alcopops," syrupy malt beverages like Bacardi Silver and Smirnoff Ice. Not just people, though — underaged people. Ronan, a Democrat, announced she is drafting legislation that could keep kids away from the drinks, which she expects to have pretty wide support on.
The drinks would still be around and, more than likely, still be consumed by young people in the back of a burnt-out Shoney's at 10 on school nights. However, much like the Joe Camel laws of the past, her proposal goes after the advertising that targets youth by making the drinks seem "cool," "hip," or, in her words, "real neat" (unconfirmed). The drinks are obviously marketed to teens, sold in gas stations where they are accessible to older siblings who were going there anyway, and going down the gullets of one-third and one-fifth of 12- to 18-year-old girls and boys, respectively.
We're okay with the legislation, in that we figure the loss of Joe Camel can actually be attributed to fewer young people recognizing the character and learning about the product. We do feel it is necessary to point out, however, that teens are soooo going to keep drinking these until they are harder to get (i.e. liquor stores on the wrong side of the tracks). Besides, teens aren't the only one drinking the stupid things anyway.
Everyone knows these crappy malt beverages are for teens who don't like drinking but like being drunk. They'll continue to down one sugary, carby drink after another until everybody gets a look at her navel piercing, his white baseball hat is turned backwards, and they all get crazy enough to make some mistakes. We don't mean to be cynical, we're just telling it like it is.
Image via izb.fraunhofer.edu.