Five Twisted Romances
By Rob Christopher in Arts & Entertainment on Feb 13, 2007 5:53PM
Maybe you think that Valentine's Day is just a crock, in which case a visit to the Altoids store might be in order. And maybe you're single and you don't relish the idea of spending an evening alone, either feeling sorry for yourself or in defiant rebellion against another Hallmark Holiday. If so, you will want to avoid renting films such as Before Sunrise, Brief Encounter or Charade. Who wants to feel suicidal?
Instead we'd like to recommend some great movies which examine the misanthropy of the heart and the horror of dysfunctional relationships. Any one of these titles should be enough to make you fall to you knees and thank God you're single. Sour grapes? Perhaps. But let's just try and get through this day in one piece.
Our suggestions after the cut.
1. Leave Her to Heaven, 1945. Starring Gene Tierney, Cornel Wilde, Jeanne Crain, Vincent Price. Directed by John M. Stahl.
"There's nothing wrong with Ellen. It's just that she loves too much." That's what her mother says anyway. However there is something wrong with Ellen. She's so possessive of her husband, she'll do whatever it takes to get rid of any ... distractions. That includes his crippled kid brother or her own unborn child. This perverse "color noir" has Oscar-winning Technicolor cinematography so absurdly lush that it makes Dick Tracy look naturalistic. A few good, stiff drinks will bring on the pink elephants.
2. Vertigo, 1958. Starring James Stewart, Kim Novak, Barbara Bel Geddes. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock.
If there's one filmmaker who understood crazy love, it was Hitch. Here he's firing on all cylinders, with the delirious story of man so obsessed with his own conception of his ideal woman that he loses all sense of reality. The film gets bonus points for deconstructing the stereotypical "romantic" aura of its San Francisco setting, showing the darker side of San Fran. Even after all these years, the sight of Jimmy manhandling Ms. Novak remains disquieting.
3. Play Misty For Me, 1971. Starring Clint Eastwood, Jessica Walter, Don Siegel. Directed by Clint Eastwood.
In his directorial debut, Clint plays an uber-mellow jazz DJ who falls prey to the excessive attentions of wacko fan Walter. Plenty of screaming, bloody knives and shocks. Why watch Fatal Attraction when you can see the original movie that it ripped off? There's also a supremely cheesy foreplay montage set to Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," a scene which itself has been ripped off by countless Time-Life music collection commercials.
4. Modern Romance, 1981. Starring Albert Brooks, Kathryn Herrold, Bruno Kirby. Directed by Albert Brooks.
Shortly after the movie's release, Stanley Kubrick called up Brooks and said, "That's the picture I've been trying to make for the past twenty years! How the hell did you do it?" This shamefully underseen comedy centers on Robert and Mary, a couple unable to stay together — or stay broken up. As such it's equal parts hilarious and harrowing. When Robert leaves a stuffed giraffe outside Mary's door in the middle of the night, and then circles the block waiting for her to come home, we cringed. Been there, done that.
5. Intolerable Cruelty, 2003. Starring George Clooney, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Geoffrey Rush, Billy Bob Thornton. Directed by Joel Coen.
We never thought this movie got a fair shake when it first came out. Sure, it's a lot like War of the Roses; but in our view it's funnier and not as heavy-handed. Clooney's and Zeta-Jones' slippery charms have never been used to better effect. Its twists and turns would make Preston Sturges proud. And like a Sturges movie, it's filled with enough eccentric characters (including a hit man named Wheezy Joe) to keep things nice and screwy.
Now it's time for your suggestions. What would you suggest for a venomous Valentine's Day viewing? (Hint: Dirty Love is not a good suggestion.)
"Twisted Oak" by Larry Korhnak.