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Wash Your Hands, Sickies

By Alicia Dorr in News on Feb 16, 2007 7:49PM

Apparently, people are finally noticing that elementary school children are germ factories and that the schools where they continuously pass on their plethora of abhorrent illnesses are as disgusting as taking a bath (i.e. sitting in a tepid pool of your own filth).

parent_hb2.jpgThe state may soon require children to wash their hands at school! This is a great day for every family that has children, and for everyone who has ever touched anything that a child may have touched. The head of the state House of Representatives Healthcare Committee has proposed making it an actual law that children must wash their hands before lunch.

Our only problem with the proposed legislation is the "before lunch" part. These kids are still gonna get all gooey and share lice at the lunch table and then go running out for recess and touch petrified dog poop in the school yard. Now, don't get us wrong, we are not encouraging the militant mothering that has inflicted some children with a lack of immune system due to the supergerms that mutate when people use too many antibacterial products. We're not even saying that the kids shouldn't pelt another kid in the face with petrified animal poop once or twice in their lives, or even eat an ant.

We do, however, think that a kid walking around with Kool-Aid stains on their mouths and dirt on their exposed belly is a menance to society. And any elementary school teacher could tell you that with the amount of sitting around in one stuffy room with pencils that everybody's been sharing and chewing on all day, a little hand-washing isn't going to cripple the kid for life.

So, in short, we support the legislation so long as it doesn't mean the law wants a bunch of bubble boys sitting around feeding off society. There. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

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