This Week (or Two) In Stupid

By Jocelyn Geboy in Miscellaneous on May 11, 2007 5:29PM

We know you guys aren't sitting around pining for us, nor do you really care about our personal lives, but we got caught up in some personal things, and our lives were a whirlwind for a couple of weeks. We're caught up now, and people were being pretty dumb whilst we were away. Welcome to a week (or two) in wtupid roundup.

• We're pretty sure this is the plot of a movie — A firefighter commits an act of arson and then goes to the fire to help put it out. Billy J. Katava, 19, and Jason D. Kimble, 31, of Wilsonville, Ill., have been charged with torching a house late last year and then going to the fire to assist in extinguishing it. Nobody was injured, but the fire destroyed a house under renovation and damaged the house next door that was occupied. They were charged with arson and suspended from the volunteer fire department. Stupid and dangerous. Baaad combo.
• CBS' Pamela Jones got an "exclusive jailhouse interview" with a dude who burgled a store and left his cell phone behind. Wow. What a scoop. According to 23-year-old Michael Sciarra, “Financial times were hard,” he said. "I thought to myself, that place has been hit quite a few times before and I didn't hear anybody ever getting caught, so I stupidly decided to try." He was arrested for breaking into a store that sells smoking materials and incense (read: head shop), and while others had broken into the Phat Cat recently, he was out of luck. A security guard was there, and ripped off his sweatshirt as he got away, leaving his cell phone inside. Apparently Michael wasn't sure where he left his phone, because he called it, and ... oops. A criminal mastermind in the making.
• We are all for the empowerment of women, but you're a pretty weak criminal when an 82-year-old ex-Miss America with a walker busts your ass. Venus Ramey, who was Miss America in 1944 saw a man run into a building on her Kentucky farm where people had previously stolen farm equipment. The man tried to leave and she told him he wasn't going anywhere, propped herself up on her walker and shot out their tires with "a snub-nosed .38-caliber handgun." A passing motorist called 911. Classic.
• How on earth does this kind of stuff happen? Justin and Colleen McKeen were walking through a house to see if they'd like to buy it, when they came across a feature that was a definite deal-breaker. The owner, dead in her bed. The reason we included this in TWIS is the coroner's report showed that 55-year-old Linda O'Leary had been dead for two to three weeks, which leads us to ask the obvious question: How in the hell did real estate agent Linda Chabucos-Galow intend to show this house without walking through it first? Seriously. We know not every agent is Annette Bening in American Beauty, but this seems unbelievable. And didnt Galow ever talk with the owner? Did she think she was in Florida or something? Bizarre.
• Gettin' too picky when you're doing an armed robbery can cost you. Three men busted into Clothing Zone in the 600 block of East 67th on Sunday and forced staffers onto the floor; one had a shotgun, and one had a handgun. They took some clothing, but when they got to the shoes, they started yelling that they only wanted sizes 10 and 11. However, they must have left a worker in the backroom, who heard the shouting and called 911. When they left the store, Officers John Block, Dan Castillo, Bryan Ford and Michael Slattery were waiting. Ahhh. Why not just take money? The world may never know.
• And Naperville is getting a little trashy. Last weekend, Dolores Wells got thrown in the joint for stabbing her ex-husband. Because he wouldn't stop eating off her dinner plate. According to witnesses, she gave him a good stab in the upper arm because she was pissed that he wouldn't stop eating off her plate. An understatedly awesome quote from the short story: "The incident, which police describe as alcohol-related, occurred at 5:30 p.m...." So someone (or several someones) were already trashed by 5:30 on a Saturday, and feisty to boot. After the incident, the daughter and ex-husband (why was he eating din over there, anyway?) exchanged some barbs, too. Oh, Naperville, will this ruin your "Best Place To Raise A Kid" rating?

"Sophomore Year" by OshKoshPoshJosh.