Brood XIII: The Attack

By Amelia Levin in News on Jun 14, 2007 7:43PM

For those of you who work in the suburbs, this Chicagoist writer shares your pain. For those of you downtown, you might find this enlightening. Amusing, even.

Brood update: the west suburbs (Oak Brook, Lombard, Elmhurst, Hinsdale and beyond) are under attack.

They’re big. They’re black. They’re bumbling. And they’re EVERYWHERE.

Packs, no, swarms of the red-eyed buggers are biz-izzing around, apparently with no sense of direction or sense of sight, really. They mill by the thousands in trees. And when they’re done doing “stuff,” they like to pull kamikaze-like stunts to get to the ground.

They attack you while walking. Worse, when standing. They land on your back, your shoulder, your legs. They dive-bomb from the trees overhead into your face. YES. YOUR FACE. Gluing a rolled up newspaper to your hand for instant swatting power is best. Try it, it works.

Cars are the demons’ second choice for harassment. For some reason, they enjoy swarming on the highways and roads. No matter if the large, shiny objects we like to call “cars” have no leaves and like to travel at 60 miles per hour. Like to roll your windows down in the summertime? THINK AGAIN. You would only if you have some sort of death wish. It’s windows up, AC blasting for most people, yes-ir-ee.

They pierce your ears with their synchronized “song.” Seems more like a high-pitched shriek, or shrill. Like suddenly you’re a dog and can hear everything. Awesome. Outdoor barbecues have been canceled. Ice cream socials? What ice cream socials? Not when these bastards are terrorizing the Earth. Staying indoors during the summer never has been quite this good.

An exaggeration? Maybe. Neuroticism? Per chance. Biblical? Definitely. We can’t be certain, but the world might just be ending. At least in Oak Brook.