Some Christmas Songs Make Our Ears Sad

By Sarah Dahnke in Arts & Entertainment on Dec 21, 2007 6:18PM

2007_12_21_notabovetoilethumor.jpg We promise we love many elements about the Christmas season: the festive decorations, the spirit of togetherness, the delicious foods ... but other elements make us want to stab our eyes out. At the top of our list are awful Christmas songs. While there are some songs that make us reminisce about our childhood (anything from the A Very Special Christmas album is fair game), there are others that almost induce involuntary vomiting. We polled the Chicagoist office to compile a list of the Worst Fucking Christmas songs, and here's what was said. (You can wage your own bets about which Chicagoist writer said what):

"'Jingle Bell Dogs' rapes my eardrums."

"It really scares me when mommy kisses Santa Claus, I find that song really disturbing."

"I really hate Sufjan Stevens' 'Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!' Come to think of it, I also hate almost any cover any indie band has ever done of any Christmas song."

"'I'm Gonna E-Mail Santa' by Billy Gilman & Rosie O'Donnell. Ugh, it's starting to creep back into my head, I need to get some GNR in iTunes, stat."

"'JINGLE BELL ROCK. I fuckin' hate that song!"

"'Grown-up Christmas List.' That is, undeniably, my most hated."

"'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' makes me want to buy a car specifically for the purpose of vehicular homicide."

"Whitney Houston's 'Do You Hear What I Hear' scarred me as a child. I'm still recovering."

"The 'Christmas Christmas Time Is Here' by Alvin and the Chipmunks makes me want to kick puppies."

"'Dominick the Donkey.'" (Really, that's all that needs to be said.)

But the overwhelming majority of us agreed on one statement about a particular Christmas tune: "Why does no one ever mind that 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' is about date rape?"

The neighbors might think /// Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink /// No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how ///Y our eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell /// I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir /// Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried //// What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay /// Baby don't hold out

We're going to go lock our doors now.

Happy Holidays!!

"Crappy Christmas" photo from c0reyann.