We Have Olympic Fever: Punchy Friday Edition
By Margaret Lyons in Miscellaneous on Aug 15, 2008 10:03PM
About this time on Friday afternoons, we start getting Friday brain. We feel punchy. We feel silly, maybe a little argumentative, and certainly unable to complete substantive tasks or engage in meaningful discourse. Sometimes, this becomes a leg-wrestling tournament. Sometimes a walk around the block to play that stupid road trip game where you put the word "anal" before the names of cars ("anal Explorer," "anal Liberty," etc). Today, Marcus and I decided to discuss the Olympics, which we've both been watching damn-near constantly.
Margaret: Here's my secret: I think there are too many swimming events. I am bored.
Marcus: You know, I kind of agree.
Margaret: Also, NBC is airing the semifinals, which is just absurd.
Marcus: The reason Michael Phelps wins so many golds (and good for him) is because he has a jillion races to choose from
Marcus: How must it feel for the guy who trains his whole life for the 200 meter butterfly and then he gets to the US Trials and he sees Michael Phelps on the list for his heats.
"Oh man! The Olympics! I can't wait! Let's see where I'm at!...Lane 6! Sweet! Who else is here... Hmmm...Jim, Bill, John...aw Michael Phelps??? FUCK!"
Margaret: "Oh. Oh no. Ooooooh nooooooes." Also, I'm annoyed by how Phelps-centric all the swimming coverage is.
Marcus: I don't mind because I'm in love with his sisters.
Margaret: Maybe it's because I'm a middle child, but I feel super bad for all the other swimmers--like, they're at the Olympics too. I'm supes rooting for Michael Phelps, but when they won that relay, it was like "Congratulations, Michael Phelps. Hey, a black guy! Anyway, Michael...." and that was it.
His family is adorbs.
Also, who is deejaying beach volleyball?
And how much am I supposed to be into it?
Marcus: I know! What was the headline for the relay? "Two Jews and a black guy help Phelps win gold!"
They played the Ghostbusters song the other night!
Margaret: They played my summer jam—"American Boy"—but then it was like, "Eye of the Tiger" four seconds later.
Very strange.
I do, however, prefer that music to the floor routine music for gymnastics. Which....ouch.
Marcus: I think someone slipped the guy a pirated copy of VH1's Totally 90's CD and the guy just fell in love with it.
You know, I was thinking about this last night
Margaret: Give me "Devil Went Down To Georgia" for crying out loud. This is like, weird atonal goat-bladder squeals, then someone playing the spoons, then a weirdly unrelated brass section. The end.
Marcus: And I decided I know what song I would perform my routine to: The theme music from "Cheers"
Margaret: Hmm.
I think I would pick like, ET or Jurassic Park.
If it's good enough for Tonya Harding to skate to, it's good enough for my floor routine.
Marcus: I will pay the first gymnast that dances to "Funkytown" $100
Right now
Margaret: I wept like a child during last night's gymnastics.
Especially when my Tivo switched over to an old episode of Friends that I still completely remembered, which made me feel EVEN OLDER.
Marcus: Ha! You mean compared to the 12-year olds China was trotting out?
And what's with Andrea Joyce grilling poor Alicia Sacramone (psst, Alicia, call me!) after the team competition?
Margaret: I love Alicia Sacramone, and I hope she wins an individual medal.
Marcus: The girl wins the silver medal and Joyce pretty much asks, "So, Alicia, why do you suck so hard?"
Margaret: "Is it your fault? Do you blame yourself? Not that you should. But...do you?"
I'm trying to focus my rage on Samantha Didntcompete.
Margaret: Why didn't they bring in the alternates, Jana Beiger of Ivana Hong?
Marcus: Well, that I don't know. I was too busy wondering what my life would be like with Bela Karolyi commentating on it
Margaret: Well, you might have an eating disorder.
Marcus: Or fought against the onset of puberty
Also, I gotta say, I wonder about the announcers. They were getting kind of catty last night/
Margaret: Well, I think only one of them really knows about gymnastics.
Marcus: Here's the thing I don't get: They focus so much attention on Swimming and Gymnastics, with easily 65% of the primetime coverage on those two events
and they can't even show us recaps of the US Men's basketball team?
Margaret: Do we need to see every second of early rounds of beach volleyball? I do not. Also, it'd be nice to see, oh, ANY coverage of a team that wasn't the US.
Marcus: Or Synchronized Diving?
Margaret: SRSLY.
Marcus: I mean, I love the Olympics, especially because of the obscure as hell sports
Margaret: I don't have a problem with synchronized diving so much as I...don't get it.
Marcus: Can't they toss us a little love for those of us in an office all day and not at home watching MSNBC?
Margaret: I don't understand the decision-making process to include that as an Olympic sport, and yet we're eliminating softball and baseball. Wha?
Marcus: Where's my water polo? Where's my field hockey? WHERE'S MY TEAM HANDBALL, DAMMIT????
Margaret: Did you see the photo of the water polo player getting physically abused in the eye?
Marcus: no!
Margaret: It's worse then the I-done-sprained-me-elby-bone weightlifter, which...holy bajoly
Marcus: You mean the Joe Theisman Video of the Olympics?
The Chinese were very good at obscuring him when it happened.
Just like their government is with the state run press!
Hey-O!
Margaret: Snap!
Marcus: The venues there ARE gorgeous....it's just too bad I can't fucking see them through the smog and haze
Margaret: I am going crazy looking for this effing water polo photo
Marcus: I would much rather see the underwater kicking and punching that goes on in water polo then to the see Michael Phelp's junk in the Speedo trunks via NBC's underwater camera
Margaret: There we go
I can't lie: I am waiting to see some Olympic junk.
I think it could happen.
Marcus: You mean like in Men's gymastics?
Margaret: Also, where is my sidebar on Olympians and their tattoos?
Marcus: Cause that guy from the Americans was rocking some wood the other night
Are those rub-on tattoos? Cause they all look the same
Margaret: A ton of the swimmers have tats, and a bunch of people have actual Olympic tats, which is cool. Instead of another fucking story about how Shawn Johnson's coach is from China, how about something a little more creative, NBC?
That eye photo gets no reaction?
Marcus: It's hard to type the physical pain I felt in my head
Margaret: Heheheh
Marcus: What do we get more of: Michael Phelps stories? or commercials for that inane looking Christian Slater show?
Margaret: I'm excited for that show!
Lipstick Jungle, though, is a nuclear abortion.
Marcus: hahahaha
Everytime I see these teenage olympians, I think of the show Phenom
with William Devane
And the mom from Who's The Boss.