"I Think Vegetables Can Be Very Sensuous, Don't You?"

By Chuck Sudo in Food on Nov 13, 2008 10:00PM

There's "food porn" (we prefer the term "culinary erotica") and then there's just straight-up smut. Laurent Gras' blog for L2O is possibly the best example of the former. One of the attractions of his and other chefs' blogs is that it pulls back the curtain to reveal that the Wizard is merely a man, albeit a very driven one. It's also been said that imitation is also the sincerest form of flattery.

Take Chef Phillip Foss of Lockwood, located in the Palmer House Hilton at 17 E. Monroe. Chef Foss also has a blog, which has become another must-read, sometimes for entirely different reasons. In recent weeks Foss removed a post on preparing a deconstructed buffalo chicken dish that appeared — on the surface — to be very similar to one of Graham Elliot Bowles' signature dishes (we liked Foss' plating better. It was much cleaner.), been taken to the mat by Michael Nagrant for his savage criticisms of Time Out Chicago food editor Heather Shouse (he later deleted those), and said that sandwiches don't appear often on his blog because "it's very challenging for an amateur photographer like (him)self to make sandwiches look sexy."

Then there's this post on preparing mussels that Helen Rosner at MenuPages Chicago hipped us to today. It's the food porn equivalent of Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" column.

Now that some of you are toweling yourselves dry, let's see what Chef Foss had to say about preparing mussels:

"Pretend that the mussel’s shells are a girl’s legs.

"1 - If they are waiting open for you when you approach - Cast them aside.
"2 - If you apply heat to them and they just won’t open – Don’t waste your time (of course many good women are worth the wait but humor me for argument’s sake)!
"3 – If you apply heat to them and they pop open and the inside is plump and juicy– Bon Appetit my young apprentice!
"4 – If you apply heat to them and they pop open but give off a bad & fishy odor – Get away fast, dumb ass!"

It's crass, but effective. And it kept us engrossed, while feeling a little dirty afterward. Like surfing Fleshbot during work hours. So what do you think of Chef Foss' "chicks dig jerks" approach to cooking Mussels?