A Preview Of Tomorrow's "Ethics Seminar" By Blago Staffers
By Karl Klockars in News on Jan 6, 2009 7:10PM
"Good afternoon, everybody. First I'd like to thank you for taking time out of your busy, action-packed governmental positions to join us here today. I realize that all of you are constantly busy and extremely efficient, so we appreciate you taking a few minutes out of your day to recieve a quick update on how the State of Illinois handles ethics.
"Let's get right to it - first order of business is as follows: Don't ever get caught. As we've seen over the course of the past month or so, the problems of our Esteemed Governor haven't stemmed from actually doing any of the things he said he might or might not do. Rather, the only reason we're in any of this trouble at all is because someone heard someone say something. Has anything bad really taken place? Has anything been proven yet? No, sir! It's just a bunch of tape. We all know that this is the way things work!
"This leads to our next point: Always assume someone is listening. What have we learned since early December? People will forgive just about anything in Illinois politics, but if you call someone a 'motherfucker' they get all cranky. We understand that sometimes you're going to have...disagreements with other people. Don't let your temper get the best of you, and we hope that all employees of the State of Illinois would demonstrate a more refined vocabulary than the example given by our Esteemed Governor - if you believe that they're real, that is.
"Rather, calmly and quietly tell them that you'll try to work with them, and you'll try to meet them somewhere in the middle and that if you can't work something out, you hope you can work together in the future on another project. Then work behind the scenes to crush them and destroy all that they love.
"Third, feel free to be creative! If someone needs some 'assistance' on a project, or if someone would like to 'work with you' on an upcoming state works appointment, don't ever discuss things like 'envelopes' or 'donations' or the like. Instead, do something like ask them if they'd like to buy a pencil. Will it be a $50 pencil? A $100 pencil? You decide. Or request that they tell you exactly how many people are standing in this picture by your desk. Are there 20 thousand people in there? Are there 40 thousand people in that stadium? Hard to tell! Take a closer look! See what we're getting at here?
"All other training pertaining to state ethics policies will be covered on a forthcoming quiz on the state's website for the Office of the Inspector General, and I hope all of you will give the answers we expect to see, and continue to do exactly whatever it is you feel like doing. You know the drill.
"And finally, I'd like to close with the following: Nothing you've heard here should be repeated, I never said anything, and if anyone says I said anything, not only will you be shut out of the governmental processes of the Great State of Illinois, I will make personally sure you're inspecting sewers in Peoria if anything leaks out of this meeting. Thanks for coming, and thanks for your continued service to the State of Illinois!"
Story via Trib.
CBS2 Screencap via mchenrycountyblog.