An Open Letter To Christina Raines

By Marcus Gilmer in Miscellaneous on Feb 13, 2009 5:10PM

Dear Christina,

Hi, you don't know me, but I know you. I'm Marcus, Editor-in-Chief of a website called Chicagoist. We've been kind of mean to your "fiance" Drew in the past and chances are we won't be too nice to him in the future. We've also been following this ongoing saga between the two of you, this crazy on-again, off-again relationship. It's like something we'd read in US Weekly, except neither of you are that attractive. Now, I know Drew is innocent until proven guilty and deserves a fair trial by the jury of his peers if he's ever formally charged in the murder of his third wife Kathleen Savio or the "disappearance" of his fourth wife, Stacy. But still, your recent decision to move back in with Drew warrants this letter in which I'd like to offer you the following advice.

1. GET THE HELL OUT. NOW. Have you seen what happens to women who marry this guy? He's already divorced two, one's been missing for over a year, and one ended up dead. By a homicide. At the very least you'll wind up divorcing this guy and believe me when I say the "Peterson Taint" does not wash off. Do you really think this is going to turn out any different than the first four wives? If you go on statistics, there's a 100 percent chance it will end and only a 50 percent chance you'll come out of this relationship alive.
2. SHUT THE HELL UP. NOW. Look. You already called this a publicity stunt. We know it is. We know you're doing this for the money. When you divorce Drew (and yes, "when" not "if"), it's pretty transparent you're angling for a book deal. And whatever else you can use to dig up money from your experience. Again, assuming you don't end up dead or missing. So, please, shut up. Just go on about your business and stop squawking at the press. You go on one show to call your relationship a publicity stunt and then show up on another show to call it real love.

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   We know it's all bullshit anyway. Of course, the media attention (including, admittedly, this site) has probably only fed this desire to keep running your mouth on television. We get it, so please spare us any further pain and just get the plan going.

3. REALIZE YOU'VE BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF. When it all falls apart (again, assuming you survive), you're going to appear on one of the morning shows. Or, God forbid, Oprah. You're gonna cry and mascara is going to run down your face and you're going to plead, "I loved him" and then go on about how he broke your trust. You will receive no sympathy from me. You know what you're getting into, Christina. And you know why you're getting into it. So don't cry when it all falls apart.

Okay, that's all I have. Please keep these things in mind. Now, I may be wrong. Maybe you'll wise-up and run away, far far away. Or maybe you'll marry Drew, live happily ever after, and he'll be proven innocent of everything that's happened. Who knows? I'm proven wrong on an almost daily basis and I'd love to be proven wrong here. I'm just not sure that'll happen. Until then, though, I'm done covering you. I wish you all the best luck in (literally) surviving this marriage and making it out alive when the circus tent collapses on you.

Best,

Marcus