Friday Fiction: "My Dinner With Oprah"
By Karl Klockars in Miscellaneous on Aug 6, 2010 8:30PM
Or, "When Power Comes to Dinner," a short play in one act.
Occasionally, when traditional journalism fails, or normal newsgathering and information resources fall short, we turn to recreations, conjecture, brainstorming, and occasionally outright BS. On a lazy Friday afternoon, please accept this short dramalogue from the Chicagoist Dramatic Theater. We believe this accurately represents the dinner conversation to which very few people were privy between two iconic Chicagoans.
SCENE: Chef's table at Graham Elliot, evening of August 5th.
Lights come up on OBAMA, leader of the free world. He's dining with OPRAH, leader of everything else. It is OBAMA's birthday and he's flown into town to celebrate.
OBAMA: Nice to see you again, Opes. When was the last time we really hung out - South Carolina, right? I get tired of all this backchannel cloak-and-dagger stuff.
OPRAH: I think so - and you've never properly thanked me for that, by the way.
OBAMA: Aww, Opes - Just because no one knows I leased you all of Guam to build you that fortress doesn't mean I'm not thankful.
OPRAH: Still, a little public acknowledgement would be nice.
OBAMA: How about I say that Michelle read "The Secret" and then we got health care reform passed?
OPRAH: That'll do. How is everything else going?
OBAMA: Pretty much according to plan. Let everyone go crazy during the midterms, lower everyone's expectations dramatically, then throw a ridiculous amount of stimulus money straight into the economy. Everything should be looking good by March of 2012; and then we move forward with...you know.
OPRAH: Does Biden have a clue?
OBAMA gives her an incredulous look.
OPRAH: Okay, I get your point.
OBAMA: The guy is like Marcus Brody in the Indiana Jones movies. He got lost in the Old Executive offices last week.
OPRAH: You know this is why I announced my retirement from telelvision, right? And everyone is saying I'm washed up? Chicago isn't exactly thrilled you don't come back very often - and they're even madder that I'm splitting.
OBAMA: They don't know what we know, do they?
OPRAH: Of course not. Still...
OBAMA: It'll be fine. Having you on the ticket is a done deal. Nothing to
worry about. And Sarah is doing a fantastic job, isn't she?
OPRAH: She's the greatest! All that stuff about cajones and the ground zero mosque - it's the best performance art I've ever seen. Where did you find her again?
OBAMA: Not Alaska, I can tell you that. And let me be clear - that's all I'm going to say
about it.
OPRAH: And the way she's played her own family in the press - just
amazing. Did you come up with that?
OBAMA: No, that was all her. Pretty good, huh?
OPRAH: You made the right choice, Mr. President.
OBAMA: Just wait til' the primary debates. You're going to love it. We've got something great cooking.
OPRAH claps her hands and squeals excitedly.
OPRAH: Oooh, I can't wait! Can I have a hint! Please, Mr. President?
OBAMA: I'll only say this - it's going to make all that winking bullshit
look like child's play in comparison.
OBAMA waves his hands in the air, raises his voice two octaves and
broadens his "o's" like a Minnesotan.
OBAMA: "Oh Joe, say it ain't so! Hopey changey stuff! Mama grizzlies!".
OBAMA returns to normal voice.
OBAMA: She's inspired. I'm very proud. She's already help us raise millions in some of the swing states.
OPRAH: Hey, while I'm thinking of it - I know your motorcade can do whatever it wants, but have you ever had the mayor shut down Michigan Avenue for you? I was talking with Michael Bay about it - it's a rush!
OBAMA: Where do you think I'm kicking off the next campaign? You didn't think I was going to do it with those fruitcakes on "The View," did you?
OPRAH: Let's call him right now - if we both ask he'll shut it down for as long as we like!
BOTH BREAK INTO LAUGHTER AND CLINK THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER AS THE LIGHTS FADE.