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You Say "Snowpacalypse," We Say "Tuesday"

By Chuck Sudo in News on Jan 31, 2011 8:40PM

So the snow projected for tomorrow through Thursday is expected to finally give us the whole "Thundersnow/Snowpacalypse" big dump of white powder worthy of dibs that we've really been missing so far. Already, meterologists are comparing this to previous large blizzards. Second City Cop said Mayor Daley, since he's a lame duck, should just "Bilandic" snow removal operations, which would drive residents to do more than "stomp SOS and HELP in the ground." One reader suggested we call the forthcoming snow a "snownami;" Karl coined the term "blizzaster." We're just gonna call it "Tuesday."

Anyway, here's a handy list of survival tools we put together to get you through whatever snowfall comes.

  • Books. The non-electronic kind.
  • Snuggie (The Tom Skilling version).
  • Bubble bath. (What else ya gonna do?)
  • Latest issue of "Soap Opera Digest," to catch up on what Erica's been up to lately, and who Chad is *really* in love with.
  • Season 1 of a show you've been meaning to watch.
  • Booze. Plenty of booze. Store the booze on your back porch for optimum serving temperature.
  • Keep freezer well-stocked with frozen pizzas
  • Hot Chocolate mix
  • Warm socks
  • flashlight (or fleshlight ...depends on how bored/cold you are)
  • Good boots so you can dash outside and steal your neighbor's paper/knock off a food truck/make snow angel.
  • If you're basically stranded indoors for a while, it would be a good time to make that new pair of DIY dog boots you've been thinking about. Your pooch will need them after the storm!
  • A VHS copy of The Shining recorded off the television.
  • Back Issues of Cracked magazine
  • Call Mom. Put phone in speakerphone mode and let her rant about how nothing compared to the Blizzard of '67 or the Blizzard of '79
  • Political candidates: rent a private snow plow and attach your banners to it.