7 Things Straight People Need To Know Before Going To The Gay Pride Parade

By Tony Peregrin in Arts & Entertainment on Jun 23, 2011 3:00PM

The 42nd annual Chicago Pride Parade rolls out Sunday, June 26, and for those of you who happen to be attracted to the opposite gender—welcome!

Herewith, Chicagoist’s straight person’s guide to gay pride.

1. Get there early: The parade—which technically kicks off at noon—tends to run on gay time so it is usually a bit fashionably late, but you need to arrive early if you want to stake out prime real estate along the parade route. And a note to our nervous ninny hetero friends: Many of the people who flock to the parade are out-of-towners, people from the ‘burbs, and, uh, straight people, so you’ll feel right at home. Trust us on this one.

2. Pick your spot, feel free to gawk: Since crowds have increased over the years, (last year spectators numbered upwards of 450,000), particularly on Halsted Street, organizers have asked people to try other sections of the route (such as Diversey Parkway, or Broadway from Wellington to Diversey). And hey, feel free to stare! Pride is all about freedom of expression, and a release of inhibitions. Just remember, this isn’t a bachelorette party (we’re not here for your entertainment) and it’s not a frat party (no mean, surly drunks, please. Unless drinking tends to bring out your latent bisexual tendencies. Ha.) So, gawk to your heart’s content, let your jaws drop, but mostly let your mind and heart crack wide-open—that’s what Pride is all about.

3. Werk a lewk: Hot straight guys—that means no shirt, sunglasses, and a big smile. And yes, the gay boys will stare openly and longingly, and one or two brave souls might even try to dial-up radio-free Europe on your nips. It’s one day a year, duder—deal with it. Straight girls, this is no time to slack off—you know the drill: good hair, barely-there makeup, and a nice, revealing décolletage. Oh! And the number one accessory of the day for everybody: Sunscreen. (Unless it’s raining, then the number one accessory is a cock-ring.)

4. BYOB: That’s Bring Your Own Beads. A city ordinance prevents parade participants from tossing items to spectators (and, in turn, spectators are not supposed to toss items to parade participants). Parade participants, however, are allowed to walk up to the sidelines and hand out items. Le sigh. So, your best bet is to come to the parade decked out in all your parade finery, your own beads, bows, boas, and anything that shimmers, glitters or glows.

5. Coping with parade fatigue: Unfortunately, not every float will feature boys in skimpy outfits dancing to Lady Gaga, and when you consider the fact that the entire parade route (both sides of Halsted Street, Broadway Avenue and Diversey Parkway) will be lined with barricades, boredom and listlessness can set in. We recommend copious amount of PDA. So, expect some respectful kisses and hugs from boys who like boys who like girls who like boys (and sometimes girls)—and everyone in between. And, no, straight boys, kissing a boy does not make you gay, except, sometimes it does. And ladies, if a Dyke on Bike goes in for a little lip-lock, we suggest you go ahead and let her.

6. Best time to hit the head: Anytime, really. Over the past two years, organizers have tripled the number of portable restrooms along the parade route. But our best bet for taking a bathroom break without missing out on any of the festivities? That would be when Fernanda Rocha, the parade’s Grand Marshal and newest cast member of the Real Housewives of Orange County, swans by your section of the route. Rocha is the first lesbian cast member of the show, and she also has a degree in Kinesiology (Um, what?) and a workout DVD titled “The Brazilian Booty Workout.” Nothing about Rocha sounds all that "grand" to us, actually.

7. What not to miss: The Windy City Cowboys (boot-scootin’ dance group composed of talented, sexy guys), Chicago Spirit Brigade (crazy-talented cheerleaders), and the Dykes on Bikes (perhaps the finest display of power, dignity, and amazing grace you’ll ever see on—or off—a motorcycle.) Actually, there’s something to behold everywhere you look on the parade route, of course, but also in the crowd of people standing all around you—and even above you—on the condo balconies that line Halsted Street. Pockets of people smiling, clapping, cheering, sweating; people being kind to each other, people apologizing for past wrongs, school children staring in wonder and awe at the Technicolor sights, everyone simply celebrating life’s rich pageant.