Happy Birthday, Mr. President

By Staff in News on Aug 4, 2011 4:00PM

Dear Mr. President,

Happy Solar Rotation, sir! We know you're a busy man, and Goddammit is your hair showing the strain of the job or what? We're happy that you managed to make it back into town to kick off your Golden Birthday celebration a day early. But at $3,500 a person the fete was a bit rich for our blood, so we couldn't bring you the tidings of comfort and joy we here at Chicagoist put together for you.

Next time you're in town with Michelle and the girls, give us a ring and Chuck will bike the gifts over to your home in Hyde Park. It's a quick jaunt for him and gets him out of the house. Until then, here's what you have to look forward to.

Regards,

Chicagoist

Rob: A gift certificate to Spacetime Tanks. Michele Bachmann winning the GOP nomination.
Samantha: The Home Alone House, with special Secret Service booby traps.
Aaron: A framed copy of his "long form" birth certificate. A jar of change.
This water bottle.
A gym whistle with handcuffs attached to it instead of the standard string, to scare whistleblowers.
Kim: Rosetta Stone, Mandarin version.
Kevin: Because he plays it cool, this 7-CD box set from Blue Note Records.
Tiffany: A crystal ball and some tarot cards. And maybe a gift card to Olive Garden so he can take Boehner out on a friendly man-date.
Steven: A Mitt Romney Sex Tape.
Tankboy: A nation with an attention span of more than 10 seconds and the ability to actually reason through both sides of an argument when it comes to parsing policy and the actual effect it has on the population. (That'd put FOX News and MSNBC. along with numerous blowhard talking heads, out of business.)
Alex: a huge box with wrapping paper and a bow, and inside that box would be a smaller wrapped box, and inside that another, and so on, until it was just an envelope with a check for $2.4 trillion.
Chuck: A visit from 2008 Barack Obama asking him where his balls went.