I'll Have A Cheeseburger And A DUI With A Side Of Revoked License

By Michele Lenni in News on Jan 3, 2012 4:25PM

In today's drunken dumb-ass news comes a story of a man, his love of a burger and the side order of a DUI that he probably didn't think would be included in his New Year's value meal. Instead of receiving a Coca-Cola with his Big Mac, the Tribune reports that Walter R. Dixon was served with DUI and revoked license charges after employees at River North's Rock N' Roll McDonald's called authorities when he passed out in the drive-through lane with his keys still in the ignition of his idle black Volvo SUV.

When Dixon was awakened from his special sauced coma he told the cops on the scene that all he really wanted was "another sandwich." His partner in crime lay fast asleep in the passenger's seat. Dixon, whom we'll now affectionately refer to as "The Ham-Bungler," apparently reeked not only of trans-fats, but alcohol. Dixon, who was apparently harder to understand than Grimace after a few too many milkshakes, admitted to throwing back a few glasses of vino and also had a half-full bottle of tequila in the back seat.

The Ham-Bungler was unable to provide identification. In his infinite wisdom, he also provided a false address, which turned out to be a convicted sex offender in Tennessee. After blowing a .207 (the legal limit is .08) into the breathalyzer he was ushered off to jail, and his friend took a cab back to Blue Island.