Chicagoist's Mayan Apocalypse Bucket List (In Case It Happens In The Next Eight-Plus Hours)

By Chuck Sudo in Arts & Entertainment on Dec 21, 2012 9:40PM

Art Shay was right. It looks like we're going to see the sunrise tomorrow. Seems like the only ones who didn't predict a Mayan apocalypse were the Maya.

The end of the current Mayan calendar was never intended to be the end of the world, but the beginning of a new cycle for the Maya. Sones de Mexico leader Juan Dies recently wrote a song cycle, "13 B'ak'tun," celebrating the turning of the 13th 394-year cycle. Like Y2K, the end of the 13th calendar cycle was much ado about nothing.

But we had a blast following the exploits of end-of-the-world preppers, soothsayers and others who did work themselves into a frenzy worrying the planet would tear itself to shreds. We put together our own "bucket list" of final wishes in case something does happen in the upcoming eight-plus hours. And if it doesn't, we can recycle it the next time some minister incorrectly predicts the Rapture again.

Aaron Cynic: I think it depends on which Apocalypse you subscribe to, but in most scenarios, I’ll plant myself on my rooftop in a lawn chair with a decent bottle of bathtub gin and a good set of binoculars to watch the fun. If we’re talking pole reversal via galactic alignment or the cessation of the Earth’s rotation via Planet X, I’ll have to bolt the chair down since gravity won’t be working properly. I’ll also have a good set of protective goggles on hand for solar flares and supernovas, and one of those hardware store dust masks to protect against plague. There’s no way I’m going to reveal my plan for alien invasion, but let’s just say I won’t exactly be too welcoming towards our new insect or reptilian overlords.

Jessica Mlinaric: I feel I could while away an apocalyptic scenario given exclusive access to a Costco. I would also horde a Malort cache for entertaining in my bunker in the event Maya zombies come calling. I’m confident it’s one thing we could bond over.

Tankboy: I’m Tankboy, so what do I care about the Apocalypse? I’ll be a-OK! Though with all that sun and fire and such, maybe I’ll finally get a tan.

Paul Leddy: Knowing my luck, I will make plans for a nice dinner or a final cocktail with family and friends as my final act on earth. When the world actually ends, though, I will either be in the bathroom or stuck in traffic.

Steven Pate: Just my usual Friday night game of pickup Pok-A-Tok, trying not to lose my head.

Anthony Todd: I would order the seafood tower at Henri. I wouldn't have to worry about my bank balance in the morning. That plus a couple of great gin martinis and I'd be ready to go. Well, not really—I'd want to eat it again. But if you have to go, go big (and filled with oysters).

Samantha Abernethy: I'd eat a ton of gluten.

Chuck Sudo: Given enough of a lead time I'd revisit some of my childhood haunts like Rolling Stones Records in Norridge, Central Gyros, Brickyard Mall for an Orange Julius (are those still around?), playing basketball on the courts at Hermosa Park and take in a movie at the Portage Theater one last time. Then I'd return to Bridgeport, watch Road House one last time, go on a breaded steak crawl followed by eating the entire menu at Pleasant House Bakery and the cocktail menu at Maria's. After that I'd waddle my ass to the top of Mount Bridgeport, call Mom and let her rag on me about how I don't call her enough while Hell on Earth rains around me. I'd take a photo of the chaos and post it to the Chicagoist Instagram page, just because.