Today In Scary Food Items: Cop A Feel While Drinking A Brew
By Anthony Todd in Food on Feb 20, 2013 4:20PM
It's been a while since we've featured a truly horrifying product. The "breastification" of restaurants has been going on for years and "breastaurant" is now an actual word used by actual consultants. But this takes it one step further. Meet "Boobzie," which may take the top prize as our least favorite product ever.
First, let us get our feminist rant out of the way. "Boobzie?" Really? Are men so desperate to touch breasts that a foam shape wrapped around a beer can gets them going? Are actual women with mouths and noses too threatening? Even better, these headless busty foam women have backstories. Their stories include names, hobbies, likes, dislikes, education and favorite color. Oh, and relationship status, which had better be single, or this just went to a whole new level of weird. Foam rubber adultery, anyone?
For example, "Say Hello to Dixie!" "Dixie is an outdoors girl who isn’t afraid to get a little dirty. An all natural beauty, she expertly uses her double-lure rig to reel in her catch-of-the-day. Her idea of dressing up is slipping into hip waders…and nothing else." Her education is "Readin’, Writin’, Datin'" and her favorite color is camouflage. These are like the profiles of Penthouse models . . . except they are made of foam! Jane is wearing her "Team MILF" tank top and she's fond of "Hitting the gun range and jumping out of perfectly good planes" and "meaningful one night stands." No heads, no legs, but plenty of personality.
Surprise surprise, these started at Hooters. They were so successful that the company got a patent and started selling them at liquor stores, convenience stores and restaurants around the nation.
Silliness aside, isn't this a self-defeating product? Man buys breast beer holder because he wants to touch breasts. Woman sees breast beer holder, never speaks to man again. Man left alone with his beer holder. Squeeze. Fin. We assume, of course, that women simply don't drink beer. The only possible way to make this product worse would be to use it to drink Dr. Pepper 10.
On the plus side (and there is a plus side) the company does support breast cancer charities. If you want to buy one of these strange foam wrappers, it'll run you somewhere around $9.