Cook To Bang Combines Sex And Cuisine In Hilarious Ways
By Melissa Wiley in Food on Apr 22, 2013 4:20PM
It’s spring. More to the point, it’s finally starting to feel like spring, so we’re shedding layers and feeling frisky. We're also invoking seasonal superlatives to explain why we’re culling recipes from a website we really should find reprehensible but can’t stop giggling over instead: Cook to Bang, which in a truly just world would win an SEO award for most double entendres. Suffice it to say almost every line fetishizes oral stimulation of some sort. Go ahead — bookmark it now.
The site and accompanying book (subtitled "The Lay Cook's Guide To Getting Laid"), a used copy of which we stumbled across at Open Books, are arrestingly comprehensive. Recipes are not only clear enough for this hapless home cook to follow but fall within simple carnal categories, such as finger food foreplay, hot liquid love, and morning wood, allowing the clumsiest chefs to feel like they’re sautéing on instinct. There's even a bangin' playlist with artists from Portishead to Nina Simone.
Naughty as this all may sound, the site and its author, Spencer Walker, present a cogent argument for coupling food and sex more overtly (and hilariously) than, say, Martha Stewart might in her spring salad spread. “Food and sex have been linked since the dawn of civilization," Spencer writes. "Cavemen once roasted saber-tooth tiger kebabs for their cave-babes, which set the mood for Cro-Magnon copulation.”
Yes, the assumption that all cavemen and women were heterosexual peeves us, but we're reading for pleasure here and so are willing to make allowances. The kebabs at least sound historically accurate.
“The only way for the human race to continue,” the logic goes, “is to eat and fuck. So do your part. Learn how to wine, dine and 69 your dream date with minimal harm to your credit card or self-esteem.”
You have to admire the candor, even if the sneaky motivations have you tightening your chastity belt. Meanwhile Walker has made the suck-u-lent sushi sinwich as much fun to read as to prepare into an aphrodisiac — or just a solid lunch — when paired with a side of ménage à tofu triangles or wrap that ass-paragus. Who doesn’t, we ask, want to be a "nasty ninja" in the kitchen? And have a good giggle while cooking up a sordid soufflé.