The iFork: Because Your Table Is So Dirty You Need Special Silverware

By Anthony Todd in Food on Oct 3, 2013 4:45PM

Today in the "inventing problems that don't exist to sell stuff" department (we're looking at you, wine wand), we bring you the "iFork." It's not just an infringement on Apple's trademark, it's a real piece of flatware, a "revolutionary system developed to make dining worry free." Because right now, our primary worry about dining is that we might let our spoon touch the table.

Here's the basic idea: Each of their products (there's also an iSpoon, an iKnife and, holiest of holies, an iSpork) has a tiny ball welded to the bottom that raises them off the table. Why is this necessary?

Studies have shown that the common restaurant table can harbor more than double the bacteria count of diaper changing tables, and yet few people stop to worry about whether their space has been sanitized.

Well, if studies have shown it, it must be true. Are there studies tracing any of this bacteria to illness? Who knows. Is there a study saying that the quarter-inch between the ball and the table makes a difference? We doubt it.

"For the everyday cook the iFork system is an easy way to cut down on cleaning time." Except that instead of cleaning a smooth metal object, owners now have to make sure they clean every nook and cranny of this ridiculous device. In fact, what if the space between the ball and the fork harbored...gasp...bacteria? We'd die from the double flip reverse irony.

According to their IndieGoGo, the iFork was inspired by a harrowing outdoor experience.

"While dining outside one day, we saw our fork and knife lying flush on the table. A bird came by and landed on the table. Initially, we were very pleased that a cute little bird had joined us. However, we quickly realized that the table must be extremely dirty, and we did not want our utensils resting on it."

Q.E.D., bitches. Because birds are attracted to filth, bacteria and pestilence, and we want no part of that.

If you inexplicably want to try out this product, you can donate $25 to their campaign to get a set of one of each. They are trying to raise money to get their infomercials on cable, and we might donate just for the comedy. A plastic version is coming soon, because it's not enough that silverware be disposable, it also has to have a little ball on it.