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Video: R. Kelly Wants To Be Your 'Sex Dolphin'

By Chuck Sudo in Arts & Entertainment on Nov 19, 2013 10:00PM

New Jack Swing pioneer and noted water sports enthusiast R. Kelly was asked by Rolling Stone to create songs based on the spot based on four randomly selected topics and Kells at the very least showed he was up for the challenge, although calling him a “genius” is a stretch.

“I don't like to write songs,” said the man behind the endless “hip-hopera” Trapped in the Closet and songs such as “Feelin’ on Yo’ Booty,” “I Like the Crotch On You” and “Sex Weed.” “I like to write life.”

We don't know the details of Kelly's daily routine, mind you, but he makes “Sex Dolphin” believable with the couplet "swimming in your waters with you, I want to be a dolphin to you” followed by what we can only imagine are his imitations of Flipper. Unfortunately, Kelly’s “genius” only goes so far. He sings about wanting to get into “one of them fights” in “Ice Hockey” and his desire to be sandwiched with “you and your friend” like an Italian Hero Sandwich of Love.”

And yet these aren’t the most ridiculous lyrics Kelly has written. (These are.) Which reminds us: why isn’t there an R. Kelly lyric generator? This is exactly why the Internet exists in 2013.