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The Week That Was: Rats, Rauner, And Rahm

By Staff in News on Oct 19, 2014 8:00PM

Image via YouTube screengrab.

It might not have seemed like a great revelation, but your suspicions were confirmed this week: We’re overrun with rats. Yep. Chicago is No. 1 at something besides sneaky camera tickets and homicides. Take that, New York!

Please don’t, however, let that shade your judgement of the following stories.

We assure you there is no rat to smell in the Sun-Times' endorsement—the first in 33 months—of one candidate and one candidate only in the November elections, despite there being races for U.S. Senate and House seats and all manner of referenda, both binding and non.

Pay absolutely no attention to this candidate, Bruce Rauner, being a former investor in the Sun-Times, something the Times boldly uses as a resume padder in an endorsement that reads like a middle manager’s review of his nephew’s summer internship, rather than the embarrassing full disclosure it is.

But it’s because YOU demanded it, or so we were told in a pre-endorsement editorial designed to assuage the initial shock of what could be misconstrued as a shameless, craven capitulation to ownership.

You, the reader, have dearly missed the Sun-Times authority and leadership, and felt a sense of ennui lo these 33, barren, endorsement-free months. I know what you’re saying if you’re older than 60: “But I demanded nothing of the Sun-Times, other than that their delivery kid stop throwing it on my roof and that Neil Steinberg person stop being so mean.’’ Anyone younger is asking: “What’s the Sun-Times?’’

And in no way did Mayor Rahm Emanuel take the easy way out in passing a city budget that fails to address one of the city’s top problems—the huge deficit in police officer and firefighter pensions—just four months before re-election. One way to look at it is just to think of each and every ticket you are issued from a red-light or speed camera as an honor; your civic duty to thank and praise our brave first responders.

You’ll also be paying more to park in the city, because potholes no longer are included in your property taxes. A great city for steakhouses, the city took inspiration from the traditional menu on which everything but the main course is a la carte.

Even serving up the simplest of food in Chicago is more complicated than it would seem. The guys who make Jimmy John’s sandwiches or risk their necks on fixies to bring them to the apartments of local stoners are forced to sign non-compete clauses for their employer. It seems there is some unique and special way these folks stack cold cuts on bread. Perhaps all those photos owner Jimmy John Liautaud posts of himself killing rare and beautiful animals weren’t just him being a complete and total douchebag, but were instead an attempt to intimidate employees.

And Ebola was the topic of the week across the nation, from Mayor Emanuel’s local summit to a cruise ship—also known as a floating Petri dish—being denied port in Mexico. The good news, though, is we now have an Ebola Czar, a move sure to fix the problem. At the time of the appointment, the ratio of known U.S. infections to Czars: 2 to 1. That kind of government service is nothing if not rare.

Finally, a second barge sunk in the Chicago River this week. Next year when we want to see some mayhem at the Chicago Fire Festival, I think we know who to put in charge.

And that was...the week that was.

—Tony Boylan

'The Week That Was'' is a satirical, yet informative, look back at recent news. We consider it to be mostly accurate