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Signs Rahm Emanuel May Be Haunting You, Even After Halloween

By Ester Alegria in News on Nov 2, 2014 8:30PM

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It’s that time of year again. You’ve still got makeup stuck to the corners of your eyes, you're fully recovered from your Frozen Drinking Game hangover, or you’re raiding your kid’s candy stash. Literally everything is pumpkin flavored, and the city has adopted a sort of grey overcast, almost as if it’s suffering a bout of depression over the passage of summer. Kids jump ahead of their parents to feel the crunch of fallen leaves under their feet, and Mayor Rahm Emanuel is probably haunting your domicile in grand Halloween tradition.

The haunting is inevitable for some. The mayor just can’t get enough of the amazing Ikea bed you bought last Black Friday. One of the slats are broken and it squeaks when you have sex, but that just makes you feel like a rock star.

Here are some ways to identify a real life Rahm Emanuel haunting:

It is no secret that the mayor was a ballet dancer in his early years. Around All Hallows' Eve, he performs every single role in A Midsummer’s Night Dream, nails one grand jeté after another through the home of his choosing. This can be a huge headache especially if you've pulled an all-nighter at work—or if you just need silence while you browse Tinder in the buff. Draw Rahm in with the soothing sounds of Tchaikovsky and lead him into the bathroom. Have the tub filled with ice cold water beforehand. The mayor can’t resist a nice Polar Plunge. That brings me to the most probable reason he would privatize our weather here in Chicago—so he can jump into frigid water with Jimmy Fallon more often. But to be fair, who wouldn't want that?

Chicagoans are getting smarter regarding red light and speeding cameras, so Rahm has to step up his game. He may be lingering around your home, hungover with Samhain fever. A few strategically placed cameras should generate enough revenue to buy even more cameras. And those would lead to even more cameras!


Rahm Emanuel, like Slender Man, is terrifying. That’s why I voted for him. I absolutely had to get my daughter back, I had no other choice. Don’t think for a second that you’re safe after this Halloween season. The Mayor’s closet is full of pristine suits, and he’s ready to torment you with his tentacle like arms, pale from all the polar plunges.

Spoiler Alert: All the actual terror has been outsourced.

Chicago suffered a great loss a year ago. Over 50 public schools closed down, adding to the overcrowding in neighboring schools, and putting strain on people who now have to find more inventive ways of getting their kids to class. This can be hard on the working parent, especially in low-income areas where the closings took place.

OK, I get it Rahm. We’re in a northern state. We drink Pepsi here. I’d dump out a Coke if someone poured it in my cup too, but this is not that kind of coke my friend.

Petcoke is pretty much pollution that is left over from other pollution. The Koch Brothers needed a place to store it before selling it overseas. And what better place to store toxic waste than somewhere other than your own living space? Somewhere already rife with pollution? It's a brilliant idea! Poor people don't care about the environment, or breathing...or living. It's a win-win for all the actual human beings involved!

I think our friends at Second City Theatre can handle this one:

The mayor sees the loss of his right middle finger as a teaching moment. While using a meat slicer, perhaps for slicing souls, happiness, or the desire to ever lead a life without seeing Rahm’s eerie smile in the dark—he had an accident that would change the way he speaks at elementary schools forever. See CNN’s Chicagoland for more intense, groundbreaking coverage on how Emanuel lost his finger.

Check out this list. Your neighborhood may soon be a brand. Don't think of it as gentrification. These are opportunity areas!

Chicago is known for being a hard hitting, no BS kind of city. How fitting is it that we get to have a trauma inducing-kick ass ballet dancing-profit generating mayor who scares kids in over crowded classrooms with stories about losing fingers to meat slicers?

Happy belated Halloween.