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The Week That Was: Bear Down

By Staff in News on Dec 21, 2014 9:00PM

The raging tire fire that is the Chicago Bears continued to move their tragic comedy from the field to Halas Hall, benching Jay Cutler, a guy who, no matter what you think of him, is statistically the best quarterback the team has employed since Sid Luckman strapped on a leather helmet.

This has created an amazing choose-your-own-adventure narrative for the hordes of mentally unbalanced trolls that make up America’s sports talk radio audience.

If you hate Jay Cutler, he was benched for his poor performance and you have chosen the fantasy that even a single soul in the NFL believes Jimmy Clausen could be a better choice. Should your particular disdain be for Marc Trestman, then this is him peeing in the punch bowl.

If you hate Virginia McCaskey and/or the Bears organization, then you are digging the story that this is to keep him healthy so the penurious old battle axe doesn’t have to pay him money he would be due if injured.

No matter which line you’re buying, the beautiful thing is there is just no shortage of hate to go around. It is the holidays, after all.

On the subject of rejuvenation, maybe the Bears can learn something from Mr. Hockey, also known as Gordie Howe, a man who played professional hockey in five separate decades. At 86, he’s reportedly showing a miraculous response to stem cell treatment in Mexico to repair damage from a two major strokes.

Mr. Hockey had been rapidly declining and was essentially bedridden with little ability to communicate or to eat on his own. On December 8th, Mr. Hockey underwent a two-day, non-surgical treatment at Novastem’s medical facility. The treatment included neural stem cells injected into the spinal canal on Day 1 and mesenchymal stem cells by intravenous infusion on Day 2. His response was truly miraculous. At the end of Day 1 he was walking with minimal effort for the first time since his stroke. By Day 2 he was conversing comfortably with family and staff at the clinic. On the third day, he walked to his seat on the plane under his own power. By Day 5 he was walking unaided and taking part in helping out with daily household chores.

The good news is Mexico is a neighboring country where you can pick up some cheap Tequila and blankets while on a medical vacation. The bad news is that we live in a country guided by religious zealots and won’t be able to legalize stem cell research here unless Mr. Hockey straps on the skates and plays in the NHL again.

Our sports teams just don’t have stars like Mr. Howe any longer. And speaking of missing stars, Ald. Deb Mell seems to have eliminated some major event in Chicago history.

Is she one of the growing number of Chicagoans who doubts the existence of Fort Dearborn? Perhaps she denies that the Army Corps of Engineers ever reversed the flow of the Chicago River?

The Chicago Flag has four stars—though perhaps one is being hand-picked by Rahm Emanuel to fill the empty slot.

Speaking of Ms. Mell, remember when she told us she “love(d) the red-light cameras?’’ Well now we know they not only cheat us while lining the pockets of the companies that provide them—as well as a few others—they don’t work, either.

And while we’re on the subject of things that don’t work, Mayor Emanuel announced his own privatization and ethics legislation. This assures taxpayers the one and only bidder to buy Midway Airport from the city will have proper oversight and not face a legal reversal when it is show they underpaid significantly for that public asset.

And that was the week that was

—Tony Boylan

'The Week That Was'' is a satirical, yet informative, look back at recent news. We consider it to be mostly accurate