Here Are 11 Movies We Hated This Year

By Joel Wicklund in Arts & Entertainment on Dec 24, 2014 4:30PM

Is there a purpose in "worst of the year" lists, other than showing off catty wordsmanship? I hope so. I'd like to think they provoke people to be a little more critical of movies that waste their precious time. And, as with "best of" lists, hopefully they spark a bit of lively debate, as one man's trash may be another man's treasure...or at least his channel-surfing guilty pleasure.

I'm lucky in not being required to see so much that I'm sure is far worse than most of what's on this list. By and large, I have the liberty of watching films that are at least of some interest to me. So, while I do so with the ignorant judgment of one who has not seen these films, I extend my condolences to those who sat through Transformers: Age of Extinction, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, God’s Not Dead or Saving Christmas.

What follows is simply a list of the least enjoyable movies among my 2014 viewings, ranked in terms of intolerability. My weakness for horror accounts for a good chunk of it, while the general crappiness of most contemporary comedies makes up an equally unhealthy helping. An action film and a foreign documentary somehow slipped onto the list as well. Here's one last, well-deserved shot at them all.

James Buckley, Christa Nicola, Ashley Hinshaw and Denis O'Hare in "The Pyramid." (Photo: © 20th Century Fox)

1) The Pyramid — The epitome of low-budget horror made with total disdain for its intended audience. As reviewed here earlier this month: "The Pyramid is noisy, abrasive and artless excrement...".

"Into the Clouds We Gaze:" Photo courtesy Chicago International Film Festival

2) Into the Clouds We Gaze (Chicago International Film Festival screening) — As described here during our CIFF coverage: "Your time would be much better spent gazing at clouds than watching this drab and pointless portrait of a young Czech man whose entire life seems devoted to turning his car into a neon-lit nightclub on wheels."

Aaron Eckhart in "I, Frankenstein." ( Image: Ben King)

3) I, Frankenstein — Almost 11 months after seeing this video game sludge masquerading as a movie, I'm still trying to figure out what a war between gargoyles and demons has to do with Mary Shelley's tragic monster. OK, sure...I have enjoyed some pretty silly monster mash-ups in my day, but this is not one of them. It's based on a comic book of the same name, but the ludicrous yet solemnly spoken dialogue and blue-gray CGI blandness seem inspired by the Underworld movies. Based on my limited exposure to that franchise, that’s a low bar to begin with. I, Frankenstein is the most grating big budget spin on classic movie monsters since Van Helsing.

"All Cheerleaders Die" © Image Entertainment

4) All Cheerleaders Die — The most disheartening thing about this disastrous collision of camp and crass is that co-creator Lucky McKee gave us the strikingly original May (2002). His subsequent films have been more uneven, but I never expected him to plunge so deep into the backwaters of the horror genre. Trying to create something like a gore-toon version of Heathers (I guess), McKee and co-writer/co-director Chris Sivertson crafted a tonally confused embarrassment.

Cathryn Michon and David Arquette in "Muffin Top." (Image from the film's official Facebook page.)

5) Muffin Top — A good message about unrealistic media notions of the ideal female body is lost in failed comic execution. My recent review did allow for different tastes in broad, physical humor: "There were 7 Police Academy movies for a reason, I suppose."

Simon Pegg in "Hector and the Search for Happiness." (Photo: Ed Araquel / Relativity Media)

6) Hector and the Search for Happiness — The often-amusing Simon Pegg can't crawl out of the gushing goo of schmaltz in this weak grasp at uplifting comedy. The Chicagoist review: "...the feel-good movie equivalent of hardcore porno. All the emotional money shots are there, but you know everybody is faking it."

Will Ferrell and Christina Applegate couldn't recapture the Burgundy magic in "Anchorman 2." (© 2013 Paramount Pictures)

7) Tie: Anchorman 2 and Neighbors — OK, Anchorman 2 was a late 2013 release, but I saw it in January and it's a perfect pairing with Neighbors. Both star genuinely funny leads who sometimes seem less than choosey about what movies they agree to make. There are some big laughs in Anchorman, but for the sequel Will Ferrell seemed to think making Ron Burgundy louder and more irksome would cover for lesser material. Nope.

Seth Rogen in "Neighbors." (© 2014 Universal Pictures)

Coming on the heels of the quite clever and crudely funny This Is the End, I was hoping Seth Rogen had hit a new, more consistent career stride. Nope. Rogen doesn’t take the blame for writing Neighbors, but he's the face for this kind of comedy: lots of pot and dick jokes (which can be funny, but aren't here) and really unpleasant physical gags.

"Jinn" (© Exxodus Pictures)

8) Jinn — In terms of horror with a theological bent, Jinn has a welcome angle of acceptance, as only an alliance between Christians, Jews and Muslims can defeat an ancient, evil presence. In terms of everything else, this movie is pretty damn terrible. Weirdly, most of the promotion for this supernatural non-thriller centered on a sports car the hero drives that was apparently designed just for the film. The car does look pretty cool. The movie? Not so much.

Justin Long in "Tusk." (Photo: Mark Fellman / A24 Films)

9) Tusk — More interesting and better directed than most Kevin Smith films, Tusk is, alas, still a Kevin Smith film. From the Chicagoist review: "Smith is a blind man in finding the balance between the creepy and the comic. And some pathos with unclear motivation takes the movie further adrift."

Pierce Brosnan in "The November Man." (Photo: Aleksandar Letic, Relativity Media)

10) The November Man — Trying to walk a tightrope between dark political thriller and action-packed entertainment, this falls badly on both sides. As entertainment, it's utterly generic. As a thriller with ripped-from-the-headlines war crimes in the mix, it's downright offensive. I'm a Pierce Brosnan fan, but his return to secret agent heroics makes one long for even the worst of the Roger Moore era Bond films. With a monotonously quick visual rhythm trumping all other stylistic elements, it feels like you are watching a prolonged trailer, rather than an actual movie.