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The Week That Was: The Big Car Lot In The Sky

By Staff in News on Dec 28, 2014 10:00PM

(Photo: Eva O'Brien)

This holiday season we all learned a valuable lesson about diminutive dictators in foreign lands trying to take away our Democratic freedoms and rights of expression.

But enough about Mayor Emanuel’s vacation to Chile.

Before leaving Rahm said he was sure the voters wouldn’t hold holiday travels against him come election day. Of course not. Why would they when closed schools, corrupt red-light cameras and potholes deeper than a Mamet play are so much more practical?

You can’t say our Mayor isn’t looking for new sources of revenue. This year he has lightened the registers of local taverns to the tune of nearly $140,000 by tightening the enforcement of a quarter-century-old happy hour law. Yes, Hizzoner is pro-business -- pro-BIG-business.

His supporters typically just have the butler bring more Dom Perignon as they sift through his campaign contribution solicitations. “Even if all you have to give this holiday season is a mere $1 million, won’t you please help us re-elect Mayor Emanuel? Think of the poor financiers who don’t yet have a third home and give generously.’’

And what of the little people who do most of the living, breathing and dying in this town? Well, we know that our City Fathers don’t care much for new moms going back to work. The Department of Justice filed a suit against the Board of Education for targeting women on maternity leave for dismissal.

Now our Mayor may have had his differences with the public schools and we all have our own opinions about education. I think, however, we can all agree on one thing: Women who go through childbirth have no place being around our school children.

Before you stopped watching the Bears around week #8 this season, you may remember a promotional spot the team has been doing right through the final, painful minutes of the season. In it fans (well, actors playing fans, because it would be hard to find a dozen people who admit to being Bear fans on camera) use the mantra “Bear down” before tackling myriad unpleasant tasks, from walking up multiple flights of stairs to changing a dung-filled diaper.

It’s obvious the team’s marketing department knew how painful it would be to watch the games this season.

After the Monsters of the Midway and the equally feculent Minnesota Vikings put a wrap on today’s pile of Limburger, let the beheadings begin. Bear down!

From the least popular team in Chicago to the most, it seems the powers that be behind the Jackie Robinson West team is being accused of gerrymandering its team recruiting boundaries to improve its chances in the competition. Ummm, Little League, what did you expect? It said CHICAGO right on their jerseys.

Speaking of feigned shock over baseball players doing things that aren’t shocking at all, Cub shortstop Starlin Castro has been a little too close for comfort to two separate shootings this offseason in the Dominican Republic. I’d say he’s just homesick for Chicago.

And finally, the odometer rolled over on long-time auto dealer and TV pitchman Al Piemonte. The family has asked sympathizers to purchase rust-proofing on their next new car in lieu of flowers, and services will be held at Victory Auto Wreckers, 710 East Green in Bensenville.

And that was the week that was.

—Tony Boylan

"The Week That Was'' is a satirical, yet informative, look back at recent news. We consider it to be mostly accurate.