5 Bean Meme Events We'd Actually Go To

By Stephen Gossett in Arts & Entertainment on Oct 30, 2017 6:39PM

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Via Facebook (obviously)

If you live in Chicago and you're on Facebook, you've seen it. Probably several times a day. By "it," we mean the Bean meme phenomenon, which has spurred literally dozens of joke (we hope) "events" at Millennium Park's public-art showpiece. Cornball, non-sequitur examples, like Have a tall boy with the bean at Coles and—perhaps the king of them all—Windex the Bean, have thousands of RSVPs and "interested" clicks. But given that Internet culture finds nothing so hilarious as committedly actualizing its most tossed-off throwaway gags, we wondered, could any of these happen? And if so, could any actually be worth visiting? As it happens, a few of them wouldn't be such a bad way to kill a few minutes. Here are five highlights:

Sing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" To The Bean

This one's scheduled for Wednesday, but aside from that early date on the holiday calendar, no objections. "All I Want For Christmas Is You" is a stone-cold modern holiday classic, and Caroling at Cloud Gate is a genuine, actual-thing Chicago tradition. Art imitates life!

Do Not Masturbate at The Bean

That's just sound advice—and evergreen. We actually "attend this event" every single time we visit the Bean. Highly recommended, regardless of date.

beaneyes.jpg Add Googly Eyes to the Bean and only refer to it as Steve

Don't need to rename it, and we wouldn't want to leave the bespoke eyeballs on for eternity, but temporarily anthropomorphizing the big fella—and inverting that relentless tourist gaze!—seems like a good time, as long as we could guarantee no structural damage. One to keep in mind for the next installment of the Year of Public Art.

Mansplain to the Bean, at the Bean, it's Cloudgate, actually ;0

This one's actually pretty damned inspired. We wouldn't attend to take part in the mansplaining, of course, but anybody who's sat through a bloviating "it's actually Cloud Gate" correction that no one actually needs should be able to appreciate the deliciously ironic takedown here. Well done, Bean memers.

Mr. Bean at The Bean

We're always fielding recommendation requests for fun events for kids in Chicago. Mashing up Rowan Atkinson's reticent, rubber-faced goofball and the city's lovely front yard, while indulging in a fabulous, flagrantly on-the-nose pun, sounds pretty great. Your move, DCASE. (See also, the popular variation "Cheer on Mr. Bean as he pours beans on The Bean.")

Honorable Mentions:

Scare tourists by screaming “I can’t see my reflection!” at The Bean

Succumb to our collective existential dread outside the bean.

Yell I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A BEAN LIKE THIS at the bean

Give Rahm a Ride Out of Town on the Bean

Skank On Top Of The Bean

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Via Facebook (duh)