Meet The Chicago Satanist Looking For A Satanist Roommate On Craigslist
By Mae Rice in News on May 6, 2016 2:00PM
Update, June 17: More than a month later, our Satanist is still seeking a roommate. The latest listing says if you sent an inquiry previously and it went unanswered, "EITHER YOU WEREN'T CLEAR ON YOUR LOVE OF SATAN or... I just missed it."
The Ad
On April 28, an ad for a cheap room in a four-bedroom Ukrainian Village apartment went up on Craigslist. The available room was listed as 100 square feet, the monthly rent as $400 plus utilities, and the number one roommate requirement as "You must love Satan." Two men, ages 25 and 34, already live in the apartment, according to the ad, and they are "actively involved in non-theistic Satanism."
Clocking in at 800+ words, the post lists nine roommate requirements, ten desired roommate attributes and some motley information about the apartment itself. On first read, the most unusual lines stand out.
Exhibit A, listed under "Requirements":"You must be willing to actively raise a pig. This means if home letting it go shit outside, making sure it's fed. It's important we raise our pig-beast the right way; with Satanic values."
Exhibit B, listed under "Desired": "Okay with the occasional BDSM act in the house or at least hearing it happen behind closed doors. Perhaps you are good with a videocamera?"
Exhibit C, listed under "Desired": "Fellow Transhumanists that have RFID's implanted in their hands or would like one."
On second read, though, it's the most normal lines that stand out, the lines we have all seen in Craigslist ads. Both roommates are allergic to cats, so "NO CATS!!!!!" Neither roommate want drugs in the apartment. "I have a grown up job and can't go in smelling like whatever you might introduce," the post reads.
The ad as a whole felt half fake, half real. We reached out to the person who posted it.
The Man Behind The Ad
The poster, who told Chicagoist he was 34, spoke with us via email and phone. He's "loosely affiliated" with the Satanic Temple (registered but not card-carrying, because cards cost extra), he said. He's also affiliated with the Church of Satan (which cost him a $200 registration fee, though he insisted we note he holds no official position within the church). "Although the [Church of Satan] denounces all other satanic organizations, I see purpose for both," he explained via text.
This man goes by Happy Endings, he said, declining to give his real name. However, his Facebook at least indicates connections with Satanism and Chicago.
As of Tuesday, Happy Endings said, he'd only received two "decent" responses to his ad. One he thought "was my friend [Zack] pulling my leg as his last name was really similar." Happy Endings said he sent this person a cartoon of his friend Zack giving a blow job, captioned "Zack Blows." Otherwise he "just tried making small talk" with that applicant. A woman also responded to Happy Endings' ad by sending him her FetLife profile, he said, but he hadn't had a chance to look at it.
Happy Endings seconded his Craigslist post's sentiment that finding the "right fit" was a higher priority than filling the room immediately. "Were [sic] really in no hurry and more focused on decorating," he wrote in an email. That decorating, he clarified by phone, includes hanging up red LED lights so the apartment glows red, and spray-painting Satanic imagery on a shower curtain.
It also involves getting that pig mentioned in the Craigslist ad. Happy Endings doesn't yet own a pet pig, but he plans to get one. The problem, he said, is that most pigs he's found are pot-bellied pigs, and he wants an American Guinea hog—a rarer breed that's black, as befits a Satanist.
Once Happy Endings gets his pig, he hopes to ride around with the pig in the back of an open-bed truck. He'll keep a grill in the truckbed, too, to freak out vegans—and anyone else who notices him, for that matter. He doesn't actually want to harm the pig or any animals (his Craigslist post specifies that "we love critters" and prohibits animal sacrifice), but he deplores vegans. "You must not be vegan; no thanks," his Craigslist post says. "Your irrational logic isn't something we want to deal with." Funnily enough, this comes from a guy who said he doesn't eat red meat. He was even pescatarian for a while.
In any event: If you're looking for a place to live and you love Satan (mandatory), this room is still open. and Ukrainian Village is supposedly the hottest neighborhood in the country. You're in luck.
How Real Is This?
Happy Endings' story is impossible to completely verify. He declined to provide photos of his apartment, ostensibly because he and his roommate are still decorating; he declined to give his real name; he also declined to forward the responses he allegedly got to his ad. We never met this man face to face or saw his apartment firsthand. Anything is possible.
Still, we think the odds are that we spoke with a real-life Craigslist Satanist. Happy Endings knew a lot of verifiable facts off the top of his head on the phone—facts about the pricing of Satanic Temple membership cards, and the age of the Church of Satan. (It's 50 this year!) Asked about where Satanists hang out in Chicago, he mentioned Exit, a real bar where Satanists credibly could hang out. He also explaining, slightly less credibly, that Satanists are "everywhere." Still, on the whole, we believe him.
Happy Endings has no authority to speak on behalf of the Satanic Temple or the Church of Satan. We have put this disclaimer here per his request.