R. Kelly & Drew Peterson: An Overview

By Marcus Gilmer in News on May 23, 2008 4:56PM

It's been a tough week for two of Chicago's most beleaguered boys. After an entertaining week of jury selection, the R. Kelly trial started in earnest with with the first day of testimony. Cautionary tale Drew Peterson was arrested on a felony weapons charge and there's trouble surrounding the reopening of the estate of his third (possibly murdered) wife, Kathleen Savio. Though both of these cases are scandalous in their own right, there are actually some parallels between the two alleged perpetrators. Both have a thing for younger women, both have hurt their own cause, and, of course, neither has been convicted of anything. Yet. After the jump, a quick update of what's been happening with each case.

R. Kelly has a predilection for water sports and underage girls. You've already run your daughter's CDs and posters through the shredder.

Drew Peterson is a wife-killing, cradle-robbing, self-absorbed sociopath.

R. Kelly is the subject of a celebrity extortion plot as well as the latest "Trial By Media" victim. You may also believe in digital pee.

Drew Peterson is an unlucky-in-love, cradle-robbing, self-absorbed ex-cop whose new girlfriend is not a hooker.

Reports painted R. Kelly as largely disinterested in the jury selection process, which strikes us as odd. If we were in his shoes, possibly about to go to jail on child pornography charges, we'd be interested as all Hell in having our say as to who determines our fate. [Ed note: He's also referred to himself as "The Pied Piper of R&B." The Pied Piper being...oh yeah, the guy who lured kids away from their homes.]

As for Peterson, first of all there's the mustache; it doesn't help you look any less creepy, Drew. Your glib attitude doesn't help, either. In case you forgot, the coroner just ruled your third wife died as a result of a homicide and your fourth wife is still "missing." Might be time to act like you care a little. And no, offering a reward six months later doesn't count. That's like O.J. promising to catch the "real killers" from the 14th fairway. D-Pete also owns a mini-arsenal which his son is now "in charge of."

With songs in his catalog like "I Like the Crotch on You" and "Bump N Grind," Kelly leaves very little to the imagination for his partners.

Peterson has been married four times. Regardless of the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of Wife #3 and the disappearance of Wife #4, the man has been married four times. Given our own dating foibles, we're fans of the "if at first you don't succeed..." mantra, but this is ridonkulous. It's no surprise the mother of Drew's new girlfriend called the police when she discovered the identity of her daughter's new sugar daddy.

Assistant State's Attorney Shauna Boliker on the first day of testimony in R. Kelly's trial: "You can follow frame by ugly frame. It will unfold before you frame by disgusting frame...You don't have to put the pieces together because he did it for you...the child pornographer that sits before you is Robert Kelly."

Kelly's lawyer, Sam Adam, Jr., playing the "digital" card again, and using the Wayans Brothers as an example: "They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn't it?"

Drew Peterson as he was being arrested on gun charges on May 21: "I love you!" No word if it was directed towards the media or if he was looking at his own reflection.

R. Kelly gave us the blinding genius that is Trapped In The Closet. He likes Space Jam, The Godfather (what, no Scarface?), and, while in the studio, late-night prayer sessions focusing on "sin and adultery." He also lacks a sense of irony.

Peterson definitely did not kill Wife #1.